Do you know someone who is struggling with infertility? Most people do, although they might not know it. Infertility is something that isn't easy to talk about, even with family and friends. To be honest, sometimes it feels like it is a personal failure-we haven't given our parents a grandchild, we haven't had the 2.5 kids that many people expect (although I'm still not sure how you can have half a kid), we feel like we are 'behind' others in our lives. We feel we are letting someone down, even if it is only ourselves. If you are wondering how you can help someone you know who has been having problems with fertility, it helps to know the right things to say. I'm not giving these pointers to make anyone feel bad or anything, but you should know that words canhave power.
Here are some statements that might hit your infertile friend the wrong way:
-'Just relax and it will happen'. Infertility can have a medical cause that a few days at a spa can't cure. Oh, if only they could! :)
-'So, you're X years old, why don't you have kids?' This speaks for itself.
-'So, when are you going to give me a grandchild/godchild/niece/nephew?' This kind of reinforces any ideas we may have about letting other people down. I know that's not the intent, but sometimes it can be hard for us to see that.
-'You should do X, my sister did Y and she got pregnant'. While it's great to hear that something works for someone else, it can be frustrating to hear these things sometimes because we've often tried everything in the book.
-'Baby this, baby that, pregnant this, pregnant that...' While this isn't to say that you can't talk about these things around us, it can feel very isolating when the vast majority of the conversations that go on in your group of 'girl friends' are about something you can't join in with. I've had this experience before and it caused a feeling of 'disconnection'.
That said, don't feel like you can't share your own 'good news' if you are pregnant. Even if it might hit us oddly at first, being happy for you will usually win out. In fact, we might just embrace our role as 'Auntie' even more so than we normally would! I hope you're okay with that; we mean well. :) If we don't, though, please don't take it personally.
Some things that you should say:
'I'm here for you.'
'You're not alone.' This one is especially important, since being the only one without kids in a group can feel pretty isolating.
'Hey, you wanna go see a movie?' or just going about the business of being a friend. Basically discussing something other than babies can help.
'How are things going?' This is good because it is open-ended, giving us the choice of whether or not to bring it up.
More than anything else, let us start the conversation. If we want to talk about it, we will. Just giving a caring ear can do wonders.
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